I have come to realise that the role of a father changes over time. There is nothing particularly earth-shattering in that statement, as everything in life evolves, but recognising these changes matters deeply to me as a father.

In her early years, my daughter Zoe was dependent on me, along with my wife’s invaluable input, to make most decisions about her upbringing. It was during her formative years that her attitudes, values, and beliefs were nurtured.

There are many milestones in raising a daughter, with her first day at school still fresh in my memory. (Image by David Bowden)

My job as a writer enabled me to take my family to many exotic destinations around the world. This was intentional as I wanted my daughter to develop a sense of curiosity about the world and its people. Geography had been my favourite subject when I attended school, so it was natural that I wanted my daughter to be equally interested.

Follow the manual

I’m told that self-help books sell very well. While they exist, there really is no manual on parenting, as every child and every parent is different.

The occasional self-help book that I have read has been full of commonsense motherhood statements. I believe as a parent, you do the best you can with what you have, and this does not mean putting a dollar value on everything. A child psychologist once told me that children value their parents’ time more than anything else. Some parents work long hours away from the family to earn money to support them, while others live with less and spend more time raising their children.

Seeing my daughter graduate from high school and university has been one of life’s great joys. (Image by David Bowden)

It’s not my role to provide the secret to raising a family; all I can do is pass on what I did and why it worked for me and, I think, my daughter.

Changing roles

My daughter took her first flight when she was just a few weeks old. Many parents are reluctant to travel with infants as it’s never easy because of all the additional luggage – nappies, changes of clothes, medicines, baby bottles and countless other things that you invariably don’t use, but you carry just in case. However, my wife and I honed our skills and eventually got this down to easily manageable proportions.

Countless other journeys followed as my daughter grew into becoming a keen traveller. I oversaw the planning; all my daughter and wife needed to know was how many days, which part of the world, and the estimated time of departure.

On our first trip to Bali, we took the waters off Lovina Beach to admire dolphins at play early one morning. (Image by David Bowden)

With my daughter now in her mid-20s, an independent adult living overseas, my role as her travel planner and organiser had become non-existent, or so I thought.

The other day, my daughter rang; “Daddy, I just bought a ticket to Bali, and I need your help in planning my holiday.” Oh, another thing about being a father: the minute you hear the word daddy, you drop everything. My usual response is: “Yes, darling, how can I help you?“

After the phone call, I immediately went into travel planning mode. I felt about 20 years younger, making lists of what needed to be done and what needed to be packed.

My daughter is still curious about Balinese culture and nature. (Image by David Bowden)

I soon checked myself as I appreciated that this was not me travelling but my daughter, who is now an adult with ever-developing attitudes and values. I reached the conclusion that my role was to be a trusted advisor, a senior statesman, and an emeritus professor all in one. I was now someone who would confirm she was taking the right approach, putting the guardrails in place where necessary and providing a considered checklist that confirmed she was in the driver’s seat. I knew she was making the right decisions, as I was the one who put the foundations in place when she was young.

Modern travel

After our initial discussions, I realised that it had been some years since I had travelled to Bali. I was aware that the world changes quickly, and I wondered whether I was the best person to offer advice. I concluded that I was, otherwise, my daughter wouldn’t have consulted me; she would have gone ahead and told me. But no; she was including me in the decision-making process, and I felt honoured to be involved.

I have read about helicopter parents who continually hover over their children, micro-managing their lives. I also read about a father who claimed he never went away. He meant this in the nicest way, as once a father, always a father and that he was always there to help regardless of the age of his daughter.

While one of the best things we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong and allow them to experience life on their own terms, it is always good to be on hand at life’s little tumbles.

While not expecting any tumbles or problems with my daughter’s impending trip to Bali, experience suggests you always need a backup plan. And so, I started my list.

I realised I was a little off the pace when my daughter informed me that no one pays cash anymore, we will use a QR code for customs and immigration arrival and that a Grab ride will get us to our hotel. None or very little of this was in place when I last travelled to Bali.

One of my first questions to my daughter was, “Why Bali?’ Don’t get me wrong, I have travelled to Bali many times and love the island, but I have heard it has become loved to death and is now overcrowded.

Kuta Beach, Bali’s most popular, has been well and truly discovered. (Image by David Bowden)

My daughter reassured me that Denpasar was only their gateway, and it was the lesser-visited destinations on and around the main island, such as villages near Ubud, the volcanic peaks, and the surrounding Gili Islands and Lombok that were of great appeal to her. Good girl, I thought; keep away from the tourist areas that are devoid of real Balinese culture.

It was culture as much as pleasure that my daughter sought in Bali. (Image by David Bowden)

There was also a new factor in my daughter’s travel equation: her boyfriend. Like my daughter, he is a keen surfer, but he is more of a board rider, so it was surf breaks that they sought. While they obviously knew where they wanted to surf, I checked online so that I too could appear informed.

Bali and Lombok are well known as board-riding destinations. (Image by David Bowden)

While they both concentrated on planning a wonderful, drama-free holiday, my sensible older head was thinking of all the what-ifs. It reminded me of my early travels—when you thought you were bulletproof and when my parents asked all the what-if questions.

So, I now see my role is to guide my daughter in suggesting a tick-list of things to do – have you got insurance that covers you for adventure sports (surfing is probably considered such an activity), be aware of visa scams, don’t forget to obtain the Balinese tourist tax, etc.

Neglecting to wear a bike helmet when motorcycling in Bali and Lombok can have serious consequences. (Image by David Bowden)

While I thought about them obtaining the latest seismic report from the Indonesian Geological Department, I realised this may label me as a helicopter parent. However, I’m pleased to report that the scientists at the Centre for Volcanology and Geohazard Mitigation informed me they are not expecting any lively volcanic activity when my daughter plans to ascend Gunung Agong.

While rare, volcanic activity can disrupt a holiday in Bali. (Image by David Bowden)

Travels with my daughter

While travels with my daughter are few and far between these days, my involvement in helping her plan means that I still have a role to play in the journeys that she now takes. I increasingly appreciate that my heart still beats strong inside someone else’s body.

The best gift I can ever receive on Father’s Day is to watch and admire my daughter happily advancing through life, still with that sense of curiosity and interest instilled in her formative years. There is a satisfying sense of ‘job well done’. Take time out this Father’s Day to tell your dad just this.